Caveat: I did not major in philosophy, so the following bumbling mess of words and thoughts might annoy you deep thinkers out there. I offer you my apology in advance.
A couple nights ago I was talking with two friends; both are full-time moms. One recently returned from a cruise. She mentioned how wonderful it was to relax, enjoy being with her husband, and rediscover part of her real self again. The other commented on recently gaining some discretionary income with her husband's new job. Less restrained by their budget, she is enjoying the process of discovering her tastes in clothing and color, and looks forward to finally owning a home that she can decorate as she wishes. She compared herself to a butterfly who wants to be a dragonfly.
I've been mulling over these comments since our conversation. Both women expressed having found or rediscovered a part of themselves that has been MIA for a long time. I'm pretty sure I, too, have talents waiting to be discovered that will reveal tastes I don't know I have; or maybe personality traits that don't currently find a sufficient outlet in the day-to-day running of my household. What bothers me is whether now is the time to look for parts of me that are hidden, or whether I wait for an impetus to reveal those things, as happened with my friends. They each had a change to their routine that uncovered exciting parts of themselves. I don't forecast any change for my near future. I don't even think my schedule allows me time to search for new pieces of me.
Or maybe I'm just not seeing the change because it is subtle.
I can definitely say I am not the same person I was 15 years ago, and I am happy about that. I am now more patient and kind. I have thrown off the shyness that for years hid my personality from all but my family members. I still have my competitive nature and stubbornness intact, both of which serve me well at times in various roles I take on. But has my routine as mother squelched part of me that I should miss? I don't remember.
Kent often says he wishes I let others see the person I am with him. Maybe I still carry a little reserve or shyness around. Or maybe it is the short time between the children's bedtime and ours that I can set down my other concerns and be myself a little. What holds me back? What part of me have I put away to be a mother? What part of me would emerge if I set my routine aside, even for just a few days?
I don't have answers for these questions, other than to say I am quite content with the person I am in general. Sure, I have flaw as well as relationships I want to improve, and that will require changes on my part. I guess I can at least look forward to always changing and discovering new interests as I mature.
What are your thoughts/experiences? I'm going to bed--one part of me that is always consistent is that I'm still a morning person!
7 comments:
I think we all feel that way. I often wonder what my hobbies would be if I had any or what I might want to do for work when I grow up. I don't think SM has ever seen me crazy hyper like I used to get. Sometimes I miss that girl, but I can't imagine being like that anymore. I'm also very happy with what my life is and the opportunity to take care of the wee ones all day. I do love my kid-free time, but I'm perfectly happy to not have too much of it.
I have some thoughts about this that I'd like to share, but unfortunately there are three hungry kids who think I should give them some breakfast. Maybe I'll have some time soon to return. :o)
I remember when Richard & Linda Eyre were all the craze and started the "Teaching Children" preschool routine which we took part of. Anyway I recall her reporting that about once a year she rents a hotel room for a couple of days while hubby takes care of the home fires. It is her chance to rejuvenate and "sharpen the saw". I think we could all use that. But I do think it would take more than just 2 days.
Interesting post. And even more interesting because I have the same feelings, but often in almost an opposite way. Many days, I think I would be more myself as a wife and mother. Without those roles, I often feel unsettled, and roaming, feeling like I can't find the real me.
I have felt more of the earthquake personality shakeup you talked about. Although the catalyst was a difficult move and 3 years in CT, so I feel the growth a little rawly.
That being said, there has been definite change over the years. I am still a more different person around Peter than around strangers, but definitely more reserved. I can tell that all the kids being in school will be another earthquake transformation for me. Two years and counting...
I find that the older I get, the more "me" I become, possibly because my time is my own and I'm not involved in the stresses of day-to-day child care. I love the relationships I have with my adult children. On the other hand, my husband is a very shy and reserved person, even though he's very funny, too, and I find myself wishing he'd cut loose more. But I know he never will because the environment of his upbringing (strict social class structure in Tooele, and he wasn't one of the popular kids) has made a powerful imprint on his personality. I just go around being myself and sometimes it embarrasses him terribly, but I figure that's something he'll have to just get over.
So, I've had some time to think. I think a problem I have with "the real me," is that the real me doesn't feel very compatible with being a mom. I'm pretty sure the real me is carefree, spontaneous, a bit eccentric and fun. But I haven't figured out how to be all those things and get anything done that needs to be done, like cleaning, organizing, teaching, disciplining... So, the real me comes in spurts. I think that's why I love vacationing so much. It loosens the constraints just enough where I feel like I get to be a little more of my real self. I am trying to find a way to be the me I like being and still be an effective mom and homeschooler. It's tough.
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