Winning - Part 2

Our children were raised with the expectation that by September 1 following their 18th birthdays, they would move out of our house and take that big step into adulthood. Accordingly, in April of their senior year, Gwen and Alessandro signed contracts for housing next to Utah Valley University. Gwen had a scholarship and Ale was still on track to graduate high school and attend college for FAFSA free, so the location made sense. However, when I learned they each had committed to pay a monthly rent almost equal to my mortgage payment, Kent and I rethought our expectations. Gwen was making some money doing tattoos, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to study in college. Ale had given up on my budgeting lessons and some short-lived fast food jobs and instead depended on side hustles to bring in extra income--when he wanted it. I worried that their rent obligations would bury them. We decided to offer less expensive rent at home, and they were content to stay. 

When fall semester rolled around, Gwen still didn't have a strong leaning toward any particular major. She was staying busy with her growing business, and quite enjoyed the daily interactions with clients. Along with her inking line work, Gwen has a gift for making people feel comfortable and heard. After attending one day of classes at UVU, she decided to drop college and stick with the work she was enjoying. Between having a mom who has done bookkeeping professionally, a dad who is a small business coach, and a best friend who was showing his gift for coaching and marketing, she was already set to get all the education she would need for her business.

Ale dove head first into classes and quickly learned that with his sleep habits, getting to campus by a certain time was not going to work. He reworked his schedule to take only online classes, and started to pick up a variety of digital editing and marketing jobs, mostly for friends but also for a local landscaping business that wanted a presence on social media. 

Ink by Gwen studio

With Ale's help, Gwen's business began to boom last winter. It was clear that she could support herself, and he was on his way too. We liked having Gwen and Ale around--especially #5, who had an unfounded fear of being the last kid at home with Mom and Dad--so I wondered when and how to nudge them from our nest. For Gwen, the quick answer was to first help her professionalize her business. With tax season last spring, Gwen learned the advantages of separating business income and expenses from her personal ones, and with a rent push from me, it took her only a few days to find a new studio location in Orem. She got to work furnishing and styling the place to her aesthetic and created a really cozy, beautiful space for her and her clients to enjoy.

Alessandro was thriving in the classes that were specific to his digital marketing major, and was passing the rest of them. It was a good sign. He continued to feed his mind with podcasts, books (he started a self-help book club), and other projects where he could learn the topics that most interested him. We offered both kids young adults a rent discount for any month in which they did some sort of mental health therapy and at least two weekly reviews with me. Ale took advantage of this, but, as with all things, he did it his way. Rather than traditional therapy, he found a mentor to help him with affirmations and added in reflective time for himself to write in a journal and/or take a solo walk outside. For someone who spends most of his hours in front of a computer screen, usually with a friend or two or five hanging around in the background, quiet alone time was therapeutic.

Ale also legitimized his business, Exclomedia. He went through a collection of different clients, coaching and building their online brands. Some he got burned by (there's a millionaire influencer out there who still hasn't paid him). Some weren't disciplined enough to put in their own consistent effort, which an online presence demands. All of them were his teachers. And he was a quick learner. Kent invited him to a couple networking events with business owners, and Ale ate it all up. (Plus, his angels showed up there as well as in other ways, but that goes beyond the scope of this post.)

Over the summer, they both took initiative in new ways, and I knew they were outgrowing us. Ale opted in to summer classes, which is a big deal for someone who had to drag himself to high school. Gwen had her first solo airline flight, treating herself with a spontaneous weekend trip to California to meet up with Ale and other friends there. In July she began car shopping, weighing the cost and reliability of various models. With his eyes on a future new car and investment property, Ale signed up for a credit card, and (thankfully) let me scare him into managing it well. (When I explained all the ways that creditors milk their customers, he said, "[Dang], I should start a credit card company!") I knew it was time to cut the proverbial apron strings. Utah rents weren't coming down, but they each could now afford to live on their own. I congratulated Gwen and Ale on their progress over the past year and told them September 1 marked their move-out requirement. 

Excited to be driving their stuff away from my house!

Within a matter of days, they found an apartment with three private rooms to share with a third roommate, their friend Kamille who also lived with us for a few weeks last winter. The place came unfurnished, but they were ready to take it on and they each went to work designing their spaces. Ale bought new computer equipment and created the perfect work-and-study-from-home office/bedroom suite. Gwen's space is serene, the perfect place to rest after spending all day chatting with people. She set up a meal subscription to ensure she eats healthy food. Ale keeps up at the gym. They each are competing with me for the highest credit score. (I have the advantage of time in my 830+ score, but they are hot on my tail.) And this week, when her poor hand-me-down, 23-year-old Mazda wouldn't start, Gwen finally let it go and bought herself a Tesla. (They took me for a spin that first night, and I said, "Gwen, you finally have air conditioning!" She answered with a delighted realization, "And a stereo!" Simple pleasures.)

It's not that young adulthood is proving to be easy. When they come over for weekly dinner, it's good to hear that they each deal with the difficulties of life that we all do: doctor appointments, car maintenance, landlord issues, etc. The gift for all of us is that I no longer feel the need to help or advise them. I'm happy to give it if they want it, and I like it when they ask, but they are proving through grit and good attitudes that they've got this!

Winning - Part 1

When #5 was born, I felt certain that our family was complete. And for 15 years it was. Adding sons-in-law has been a wonderful and different type of expansion, but I didn't expect to be raising any other young adults. It turns out that God had different thoughts about this.

senior, sophomore, senior

When Gwen (#4) was a junior in high school, she introduced me to some new friends she'd met at school, Alessandro and Nick. Their friend groups overlapped some, and we saw the two of them with increasing regularity that spring. Around the end of junior year, Ale learned that his family would be moving out of state. Gwen was devastated, and she reported that he was quite depressed about the change too. Ale had done considerable personal work on himself that year, and he wanted to keep his Utah residency, finish high school in Provo, and then attend UVU. I remember talking with Gwen about this new friend moving and feeling surprised at how sad she was because they hadn't known each other long. But I was even more surprised when the Spirit put a very clear thought in my mind: "Invite Ale to live with you." I talked it over with Kent. Neither of us knew Ale all that well, but Kent was willing to follow this direction I'd received from God. Gwen remembers coming up with this same solution, but I suggested it to her before she asked me. And so Alessandro came into our household in July 2021.

The first few months had some really fun and enjoyable moments, but overall they were pretty rough for all of us. I was excited to parent Ale the way I'd parented my other kids. We would do weekly reviews and I'd coach him in academic success, budgeting, goal setting, and anything he wanted to talk about. He seemed willing to try my ways, but a lot of resistance showed up too. Change is hard, and I was asking for a lot of change.

In November, Ale expressed this resistance by saying he didn't want my parenting. He was fine thinking of me as a mentor, but not a mom. That came as a punch in the gut. I'd put some things on hold to step up my mom game for their last school year, and I didn't know any other way of raising kids. To me, the processes of mentoring teens and raising my kids to be successful young adults looked the same, and I was working with Ale the way I worked with the rest of them. Yet he didn't want to be considered part of the family.

The adjustment was tricky for Gwen, too. Until Ale could trust me and Kent, she was the go-between, talking to him and then telling us what how he was doing. Their own friendship was strained as she figured out relationships with her other friends who still wanted her time, which was now mostly given over to Ale.

Kent quickly came to connect with and love Alessandro, but for me it took half a year. When he left to spend the Christmas holidays with his sister, I missed him. And I felt true motherly love for him when he returned. Ale felt that same shift, and the new year marked a change in our relationship. I can't speak for him, but I sensed that he was finally comfortable being part of our household, and no longer considered himself just a boarder.

Looking back at that time two years ago, I think of it as both messy and wonderful. Senior year is already a stressful time, and adding a new family dynamic took intentional work and love. But that work paid off, and eventually we came to consider Ale to be a bonus kid. He doesn't call me "Mom", and there is still a degree of separation, but in some ways we are closer than I am with my other children. Alessandro is a deep thinker, questioner, and feeler. He expresses himself well and when he chooses to share something with me, I trust that it's the truth. Ale is extremely self-motivated, loves learning, and will try all sorts of projects to see how they might stretch and teach him. As he's put good practices in place and honed in on his personal values and morals, he's developed the skill of being a mentor to his peers. More on that in "Winning Part 2".

In the months leading up to Gwen's senior year, when she made some decisions that made me sad for her, I was thrown for a loop. Among other things, her choice to stop attending church or to even identify as Christian was a big one--in my mind. In my 23 years of mothering, I'd thought the gospel and our faith was the greatest thing I could give my children. In prayer, when I asked Heavenly Father how I could still teach Gwen while also respecting her agency, the simple answer came with power into my mind and heart: "Just love her better."

When I realized that Gwen's choices weren't threatening to God, and that she was still Their same beloved daughter, I felt the burden of my own concerns lifted. Kent similarly felt to give more attention to his relationship with Gwen, and we both got better at loving her well. But I still needed to learn that God's way are not our ways.

Alessandro came into our lives around this same time that we were strengthening our relationships with our daughter. As he worked on himself, Ale shared his epiphanies with Gwen and became a coach for her, too. This was another complicated process, partly because I still had much I wanted to teach in her last year with us, and I felt like he was crowding me out. On the other side of it, though, I can seen that Ale had a very positive influence on Gwen. He and his friends liked our nightly family devotionals, and so Gwen started participating in family things more willingly. He showed her that we could stand up to questions about the gospel and our faith, and still be loving and respectful of his beliefs and her disinterest. And Ale came with a crew of new friends who were supportive and positive influences for our daughter.

Senior year was also a time for Gwen to explore what she wanted to become. When she and Ale got some parent-release classes, she pulled him along into our version of home school. She put good effort into our combined study of Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans. Gwen filled an internship at A Child's Hope and then at a local flower shop. When she expressed a desire to try her hand at tattooing, Ale bought her a gun and let her practice on him. She explored her interests and healthy habits, worked through some things with a therapist, and by the end of senior year, with Ale's help, she had built a considerable clientele with her tattooing. 

The best part about that unexpected senior year was the acceptance and love that grew in our home. Ale encouraged Gwen to talk to us. I know she didn't open up about everything, but Kent and I have been surprised at how bringing Ale into our home deepened our relationship with Gwen. Heber, too, finally gained a brother who would share clothes, body building techniques, and life advice. Overall, we are all more vulnerable with each other, respectful of each other, and loving. 

As it turns out, God knew what He was doing when He asked us to add Alessandro to our family.

Ale is not a morning person, so we never saw him

at Sunday brunch, but here's a favorite moment.