Going through the Exercises this month, there have been a few times that I've thought the day's topical question seems, at first glance, to not apply much to me. I've thought, "If these Exercises have been created for the general public, then of course there will be some that I don't struggle with." However, as I study, I find that each day does hold something for me personally. (I guess our individual mortal experiences all fit into the same general categories.) It may be that I remember past experiences that remind me that I did struggle with a certain vice earlier in life. Or, more often, I find that I hadn't given the topic a fair consideration. A first-glance look at things doesn't take me very deep, so I'm glad to be going deeper. I had this experience recently with the topic of being a peacemaker, which is the question of Day 23 this week. One of the value experiences I completed in October for the LDS Young Women's Personal Progress program (Divine Nature #7) is about becoming a peacemaker through study, habit, and prayer. In Matthew 5:9 (sermon on the mount), Jesus says, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Before I studied the topic deeply, I hadn't considered that bearing peace is part of our divine nature. Heavenly Father is a being of peace. Christ's atonement makes peace possible through repentance and forgiveness. The Comforter speaks peace to our souls. Children of God know who they are and they carry peace in their hearts and share it with those who accept it. As we celebrate Christmas this week, you might consider adding to your contemplation that day. Elder Christofferson, a current Apostle of the Lord, encourages us this month "to sit for a few quiet moments and let the Savior's Spirit warm you and reassure you of the worthiness of your service, your offering, and your life." (Go here to read his invitation in a short article, "Be at Peace".) Please also enjoy this two-minute video, a reminder to be at peace with your Savior.
Day Twenty-Two Question: How can I be sure the friendships with married people of the opposite sex are just that and not adulterous? Read: 1 Timothy 5:11 and Proverbs 6:32 Ponder: If I am married, am I working to make my relationship satisfying for both of us? If I am single, am I pursuing relationships in a Christ-like manner? Day Twenty-Three Question: How can I be a peacemaker? Read: Mark 5:34 and Colossians 3:15 Ponder: Do I act as mediator with family members who are having difficulty getting along? Do I go around at a low "boil" most of the time? Do I hold grudges? Day Twenty-Four Question: Am I truly changing the way I think and act as I strive to become more like Christ? Read: Ephesians 3:16-19 and Matthew 6:21 Ponder: Am I experiencing a mighty change of heart? Am I clearing my mind with meditation and listening for His voice? Am I taking action when I do hear His voice? Day Twenty-Five Question: If I believe in the Second Coming of Christ, what am I doing to prepare for the Lord's return? Read: Matthew 24:42, 46 Ponder: What changes do I have to make in order to be ready for the Second Coming? Am I willing to entertain the thought that His return may be in my lifetime? Day Twenty-Six Question: How can I help from becoming discouraged when I fall short of my spiritual goals, such as controlling my temper or being judgmental or negative about those around me who are striving to live Christ-like lives? Read: Matthew 6: 1-15 and Titus 2:14 Ponder: Do I believe that I can be perfected through Christ? How can that happen? Day Twenty-Seven Question: Can I imagine the tender look of love in His eyes when Christ says my name and reaches out to hold my hand, when I "knock" as He has commanded? Read: Luke 11:9 and Revelation 3:20 Ponder: If He is just on the other side of the door, why don't I knock more often? What is it to entertain the presence of the Lord? How can I prepare myself for the real meeting with the resurrected Lord? Day Twenty-Eight Question: As I read about His life in scriptures, how do those incidents resonate with me? Read: 1 Corinthians 14:1 and John 13:15 Ponder: What patterns of the Lord's life are those I would and could emulate as I walk in His footsteps right now in my life? What characters do I identify with? Why?
Week Three! We're about halfway through our month-long exercises. How has it changed you, or what have you gained from it? I'd love to read your thoughts and comments (below). I am two days behind, and I should have known that would happen in December. If, like me, you have missed some days, just come back where you left off and finish whenever you finish. The days that I have given enough time to these exercises, I've really enjoyed the study and focus.
Here are the exercises for this week. I also found this photo quote on LDS.org. I think the Atonement applies to the focus for several of the next seven days. Day Fifteen
Question: How can I forgive someone who has really betrayed me or hurt me?
Read: Colossians 3:12-17 and Matthew 5:44
Ponder: Am I enjoying at some level the negative feelings that this hurt has provoked? Do I want to hang on to them and seek revenge? Could my self-condemnation be preventing me from coming to Christ?
Day Sixteen
Question: Am I valiant in my belief of Christ?
Read: 2 Timothy 1:7-8 and Revelation 12:10-11
Ponder: Do I counter negative comments about Christ? Do I speak of the teachings of Christ in the company of non-believers? When asked, am I ready with my testimony of the Church and of Christ?
Day Seventeen
Question: How do I know my Heavenly Father loves me?
Read: John 3:16-17, 1 John 4:7, 10 and Jeremiah 31:3
Ponder: Do I project the negative feelings I have for authority figures onto my Heavenly Father? Do I seek Heavenly Father in prayer and ask to feel His love and counsel?
Day Eighteen
Question: What is the pure love of Christ?
Read: 1 Corinthians 13:1-4 and John 10:9
Ponder: Am I willing to live in a greater and deeper state of happiness and joy? Am I willing to discipline myself spiritually, so that I experience the pure love of Christ on a daily basis?
Day Nineteen
Question: How can I recognize Lucifer's enticings in my life?
Read: Romans 16:18-20 and Luke 22:31
Ponder: Being in constant contact with the Lord is the strategy that keeps Lucifer and his minions from bothering me. Do I recognize the pattern of discouragement and enticement as part of his campaign? Am I willing to fully resist?
Day Twenty
Question: Do I spend as much time learning about the Savior and meditating on His words as I do watching television or involved in other electronic media?
Read: Romans 10:14 and 2 Peter 1:3-9
Ponder: What books about the Savior and His teachings could I read this year to increase my knowledge? Will I search for ones that interest me so I have the desire to read them? Am I willing to share what I am learning with a friend or family member who may want to read the same book at the same time?
Day Twenty-One
Question: How can I resist being envious of the success and belongings of others?
Read: Romans 13:13 and 1 Timothy 6:4
Ponder: Do I realize that I have a spiritual purpose in this life? If so, what am I doing to pursue that path?
If you have stayed with the daily schedule, then you are almost one week into the Exercises. Here is the next set of topics for days eight through fourteen (Dec. 8-14). If you are off schedule, as are some of our family, just pick up the next exercise and finish in January, or whenever you finish.
I think I understand why St. Ignatius originally set this up as an all-day-every-day-for-30-days method. I've found that I want two or three days to ponder each topic, so the pace is a little quick. That said, I do like that after spending several days thinking about Christ, we are now transitioning into evaluating our own standing before and with our Savior. I especially look forward to Days 12, 13, and 14 this week. Those are Exercises that take years to get a handle on, let alone mastering.
Some of these exercises encourage meditation. I usually meditate to silence or to spa music. However, I've found an app with free guided meditations, most of which I like. One of the five that I've listened to mentioned Christ and one of his teachings. It is "Class One: Meditating With A Candle". It goes well with yesterday's question, "Who am I really?" That particular guided meditation is helpful in letting go of darkness and tension, and recognizing the light that we each have in ourselves, which is the light we all share as children of God. Give it a try if you're interested.
And now, for the next week of exercises:
Day Eight
Question: What is really happening when I take the sacrament?
Read: John 6:54 and 1 Corinthians 11:26
Ponder: What promises have I made to Christ? How will my life change if I truly take on His name?
Day Nine
Question: How do I guard against pride?
Read: Proverbs 6:16-17 and 8:13
Ponder: Am I being truly honest with myself? With others? Do I do the right things for the right reasons?
Day Ten
Question: Whom can I serve?
Read: Joshua 24:15 and Galatians 5:13
Ponder: Am I overlooking family members or friends in order to serve in my church or my community? Or, am I too focused on family and not offering my skills to a wider community? What answers do I get when I pray to the Lord about this?
Day Eleven
Question: How do I control physical passions or addictions?
Read: 1 Corinthians 10:6 and 2 Timothy 2:21-22
Ponder: How can I take my Savior's hand and rise to set a righteous example for others who also struggle? How can I build a spiritual network of support when I am tempted?
Day Twelve
Question: How can I stay in a grateful frame of mind for my many blessings for just one week?
Read: 2 Corinthians 9:15 and Ephesians 5:20
Ponder: What ten things would I list as the most important blessings I have received from my Savior?
Day Thirteen
Question: How can I elevate my thoughts? Find a mountain of dispassion to climb and rest upon?
Read: Psalm 119:99 and Exodus 26:30, 34
Ponder: Do I really want to work to keep all idle, unclear, or negative thoughts out of my mind? Am I willing to discipline myself to practice meditation techniques to rid myself of these?
Day Fourteen
Question: How can I withdraw my negative projections from individuals and institutions so that I do not gossip or think negative thoughts about them?
Read: Matthew 5:11 and Proverbs 21:23
Ponder: Do I project onto the world my own unfinished or unresolved issues? What can I do to work on them? Can mediation help with the detachment necessary to accomplish this task? Should I get counseling help to accomplish this?
It's been almost a year since I defined motherhood as my purpose until my kids are grown. That adventure has continued to be fun and fulfilling. In the past year, I've delegated more of the demands of my church calling and I've passed along to others half of my responsibilities at work. My time is now more balanced and I can enjoy the seven afternoon and evening hours with my family without feeling like I'm neglecting other responsibilities.
Last year, I mentioned that I might dabble more in writing. I've recently received some encouragement to write more blog posts, which I very much appreciate because I've been toying with the idea of becoming a part-time writer, semi-professionally...maybe. (I'll go ahead call myself an author when I someday get published. When that day comes, I'm also going to color my hair so my photo for the book jacket is a little more interesting. I'm thinking lavender highlights: they look natural at first, but on second glance, you think, "Wait, hair isn't supposed to be purple!")
This past summer, I listened to Gretchen Rubin's audiobook of Better Than Before, and it held an idea that resonated with me: When you were in fifth grade, what did you want to be when you grew up? The point of that idea is that at about age ten or twelve, we have a good gut feeling for our interests and abilities. Over time, though, money needs, job opportunities, and well-meaning advice complicate things and we often take a different course in adulthood. But what if we listened to that kid in us who knew years ago what we probably would still like to do today?
I suppose I've always known that I would grow up to be a multipotentialite. (See Emilie Wapnick's TEDx talk for the definition of this career path, of sorts.) From fifth to seventh grades I added multiple interests in my answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a writer, an inventor, an artist, a game show hostess, an attorney, and/or a hotel manager. As college leered, the hotel manager seemed the most realistic of the five very different career interests. I declared a major in business management and never looked back. But now I am.
Listening to Gretchen's book, I realized that in one way or another, I've continued to play in each of the arenas on my list.
Management: I didn't go into hotel management, but I did get a business degree in finance. I very much enjoyed the subject, and I've worked as a bookkeeper/treasurer in a couple of small businesses. More importantly, I've used the principles I started learning in business school to lead in my church and to manage my household. My tagline as a business-minded mother is that I am running my family on purpose, rather than off purpose.
Attorney: I've coached four mock trial teams at Freedom Preparatory Academy and Provo High School. Thinking like a trial attorney is so much fun! I've loved teaching teens to think critically and to explore both sides of a case, forming arguments for and against, and sleuthing for dubious details. I also realized that pursuing a career as a real attorney would probably turn me into a negative person, always looking for ways to snare people with their words and actions. I'm glad to have not taken that course, but to still have some fun with it.
Game show host: I didn't realize I was fulfilling this one until I thought back on the various games I've created for teaching and for fun. In the past eight months alone, I organized four group games to rotate through at a ward party; I put together a Jeopardy-style game for our LDS Primary's teacher training; last week I held a competition at the charter high school to help the students with a business-writing assignment; I've helped student body officers create a two-week-long, customized game of Assassin (we called it Target Tag) as a fundraiser; and I made two video quiz shows to cover all seasons of "Malcolm in the Middle". (If you want to play that one sometime, I'd love to host!) I love playing games, and I like creating them too!
Artist: My artistic talents were never great, but I LOVE designing and building furniture. #3 and I are planning to make a large piece of artwork to hang over our piano. And every time I hear a concert violinist, my soul sheds tears, so I'll be pursuing violin lessons in the near future.
Inventor: Patent attorney fees have gotten in the way of this one a bit, but I have designed re-usable display boards that my children have put to use through years of science fairs. I'm constantly coming up with business and product ideas...and trying to convince my children to run with them since I don't have the time right now.
And then there is writing. Writing! I only recently realized that I've practiced this skill consistently, from the multiple journals I've kept since high school, to my lengthy emails (I apologize if you've been on the receiving end of any of those), to scripture study notes that become drafts of church talks, to blogging about our family. When I am a dissatisfied--or highly satisfied--customer, I always prefer to write a letter or an online comment rather than being verbal in person or on the phone. I just really love writing.
For 21 years, my writing has been mostly utilitarian. I haven't done much creative writing since high school. In my 10th and 12th-grade years, I had English teachers who showed me how to pull creative thoughts from my brain to a page. Going back to the magic age of fifth grade, I remember very well the praise I received for a few short stories I had written...
My family was headed to a reunion of sorts, and my parents knew my great uncle would be there. He was a writer and poet who taught at SFSU and the University of San Francisco. My parents encouraged me to grab my little portfolio of stories on my way out the door, so I did, though I didn't know why it mattered. That afternoon, as we relatives all sat around chatting after the meal, my dad told me to show my folder to Uncle Stan. It was one of those few moments that stand out clearly. I remember the room we were in, the chair that my Uncle Stan sat in as he held my blue vinyl folder and perused my work. He praised my writing, and suddenly it clicked that I had a professional praising a work I had very much enjoyed creating. It was thrilling! My favorite story in the portfolio was based on a drawing I had seen. My fifth-grade teacher had brought a series of pencil sketches to jog our creativity. We were to choose one and write about it. In the picture, a woman was sleeping in her bed. A book lay open on her nightstand. (Are you ready for the creepy part?!) A plant was growing from the open pages on her book, it's trailing vines cascading toward the bed and floor. Was this a twist on Jack and the Beanstalk? Did the plant represent the woman's dreams that were formed by what she had read as she fell asleep? I took it a different direction. I wrote a story about a murderous plant that would slowly elongate its tendrils to strangle people in their sleep.
*For the record, I had a happy childhood and I don't like horror movies, so I don't know where that dark angle came from at such a young age.*
Thanks to the encouragement from authors, family, and friends, I've decided to give writing a serious go. I had a dream at the end of this past September that prompted a story line. Kent and I spent a weekend conversing about the plot and characters. In October, I tagged along with Kent on a two-day business summit where I holed up in the hotel room and wrote for thirteen hours. I cranked out eight chapters that weekend, and couldn't wait to get back to my keyboard! At home I found myself stealing twenty minutes here and there to go write a little more, because it always energizes me to put words on paper, er screen. I soon discovered that I can get by on six hours of sleep pretty easily for five days out of each week. So now I wake at 5:00 a.m. to write for an hour each day--and I'm not taking that hour from my family time.
In mid-October, Kent introduced me to a podcast based on a writer's manual of the same name, The Story Grid. I've made both resources part of my daily and weekly education to develop my skill. One episode mentioned Scrivener, a software for writers. It was the fourth or fifth time I had heard this software recommended by other writers, so I decided to use their 30-day trial.
My timing was interesting. Scrivener is a sponsor of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and they offered a 50% discount of their software for anyone who successfully completed the NaNoWriMo challenge to write a 50,000-word novel draft in the month of November. I figured, if I can't (yet) get paid for writing, at least I could save $20 on the hobby, right? So I accepted the challenge. And I disappeared for a month.
My November's numbers: 50,000 words (which equals about 200 book pages) in 30 days is 1,667 words per day. I quickly found that it took me about 90 minutes to write my daily quota. I could happily spend three hours at a time writing, but that was rarely an option. Near the end of November, when I was also updating my front room...
Bookcases! For the first time in eleven months, our front room is not under construction.
...I missed a few days of writing and had to make it up with several long sprints over Thanksgiving Break. November 30 I was still down by 4,175 words, and I had to have it done before picking up my kids from school at 3:00 p.m., because nothing productive happens after that point. I wrote from 5 to 6 a.m., then for two hours after breakfast. I set an appointment for an oil change and showered, figuring I could write while I waited for my van to be serviced. At the shop, seven minutes after plugging in my clunky, hand-me-down-laptop that only holds its charge for half an hour--but it handles word processing!--I was joined by an older gentleman who regaled me with his stories for the next hour. (Argh! But yea! I have more material for future stories! And he has nearly convinced me to go into intelligence work. My fifth-grade self never considered being a spy...but maybe. Hmm.) Back home, I snarfed lunch and got back to my keyboard with an hour to spare. At 2:38, I finished what I thought was my last chapter for the day...and I was 49 words short. At 2:47, I finished a scene and uploaded my draft for NaNoWriMo's confirmation that I had done it! I hadn't. Their word count software was different from mine, and I was about 180 words short. Grr. At 2:50, my calendar notification reminded me to pick up the kids. I ignored it. At 2:55, it reminded me again. At 3:03, I uploaded the new draft with the beginning of a new scene...success! NaNoWriMo acknowledged my 50,015 words and sent me this lovely, digital certificate:
At 3:07 p.m., I texted success, "Done!", to my friend, Mindy, who had been checking on me all month. Then I may or may not have broken the speed limit to get to the school, hoping the children hadn't minded waiting in the cold. They didn't. It took me at least ten minutes to round them all up. (Why had I hurried?)
My manuscript now stands at 73,385, including my words from October. I still have a character to kill off and a twist on a love triangle to write. Looks like I'll be cutting out about 20,000 words before I'm ready to publish a 400-page women's fiction novel. Luckily, the self-publishing prize codes from NaNoWriMo don't expire until June, so I can take a break from break-neck writing and its consequential driving habits, and maybe try out another new interest. (Just kidding--I'll wait until January to start violin.) I'm going to spend the rest of the year enjoying the festivities and supporting my multipotentialite husband and children in their many and varied interests. Happy busy December!
Are you ready and excited to start our 30 days of contemplation? Please comment all week to let everyone know how you're doing, to ask questions, or just to share your experience. Here we go!
First, I should say that this 30-day exercise can be done in more than one way. I am going to make it part of my meditation practice. I will begin at 6 a.m. with five to ten minutes of prayer. Then I will write any insights or relevant experiences from the previous 24 hours before I read the new day's scripture verse. Again, I'll write any thoughts that come as I read. Then I will assume a meditation pose for about ten minutes. Personally, I like to sit cross-legged on a cushion, but you can also sit upright on a chair. I will focus on my breath; not on controlling it, but just on noticing it. Once my mind is quiet, I will repeat the day's question in my mind with each breath. I'll close the practice by recording any thoughts that come during that quiet, meditative time.
You could skip the meditation and breathing exercise, and simply take ten minutes of contemplative reading or writing. Feel free to share in the comments the approach you are taking.
We are starting on Tuesday, December 1. I will simply enumerate the days so you can catch up if you miss a day and not worry about figuring out what the date would have been.
Thank you to Dr. Pam Blackwell for this adapted version of St. Ignatius' month-long meditation. You can find more on meditation from Dr. Blackwell in her book (pictured).
Before or on Day One: Write in your journal what you think of Christ. Be sure to date the entry.
Day One
Question: How can I follow in His steps?
Read: 1 Peter 2: 9, 21
Ponder: How can I follow in Jesus' steps today? In all my decisions, I will ask, "What would Christ do?" I will think of myself as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Day Two
Question: Am I seeking Christ's help?
Read: Proverbs 3:5-6 and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Ponder: Am I seeking the Lord's help in all I think and do? Do I pray enough? Do I pray with integrity? How can He help me overcome my weaknesses?
Day Three
Question: What do I need to do to be closer to Christ?
Read: Isaiah 55: 6 and Hebrews 10:22
Ponder: What do I need to give up to be closer to the Lord? What can I do to 'remember' when I was with Him? List Christ's personal characteristics.
Day Four
Question: Do I really love Jesus Christ?
Read: John 13:34-35 and John 14:15
Ponder: Do I keep ALL the commandments, or am I guilty of 'selective' disobedience? Have I put another god before Christ?
Day Five
Question: Who am I really?
Read: Psalms 8:5-6 and Isaiah 13:12
Ponder: What can I do daily to stay in touch with my 'true' Self? How can meditation where I clear my mind of all thoughts help me find myself? Why does Christ care about me? In what ways do I see His hand in my life?
Day Six
Question: How can the Holy Spirit help me to be more like Christ?
Read: John 14:16-17, 21
Ponder: Do I really desire the Holy Ghost to be my constant companion? Do I listen and act when I hear the still, small voice?
Day Seven
Question: Do I believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my sins?
Read: Luke 5:20-24 and Ephesians 4:32
Ponder: Can I forgive myself for past mistakes today? Can I forgive others who have done harm to me? How do I get rid of guilt?
Quick, understated history:
Meditation has been around for a long time.
A little more background:
In different forms, meditation is part of many religious and non-denominational spiritual practices.
My background:
I remember doing a guided meditation in a high school class one time. Fifteen years later, Kent and I felt guided to start meditating about five years ago. We simply focused on our breath, learning to be present. I got serious about the practice when I decided to prepare a lesson about meditation for my Relief Society, which is the local women's group in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I studied the scientific research and the recommendations from experienced yogis and my own prophets and church leaders. I was delighted to find so much support from my own religious leaders for a practice that many who haven't tried consider to be new agey at best, and downright weird or possibly dangerous at worst. I've gone off and on with the practice these past five years. I know it's a good habit, and it makes my mind stronger. I find it relaxing, and I've found some Christian guided meditation downloads that are enjoyable. Twice I've had a profound spiritual experience while meditating. I truly feel that through meditation and prayer, I can connect with the Divine and with the divinity inside of me that I've inherited from Him. I don't always connect spiritually, but I can. So it is a useful tool in feeding my spirit, and I want to be more consistent with a daily practice.
A cool tidbit:
Search the internet for habits of happy people, and you'l find meditation, mindfulness, or prayer on many of those "Top Ten" lists. (I sometimes throw yoga into the mix, but to me, that is different than sitting quietly in meditation or a mindfulness practice. Prayer is also different, but it's pretty closely related to the practice, and I always precede my meditation with a prayer.)
The challenge:
Most teenage girls in the LDS Church participate in what is called the Young Women's Personal Progress program. (Follow the link to learn what that entails.) Mothers are encouraged to work through the experiences and set goals alongside their daughters. I challenged myself to complete one of the eight values each year that I would have daughters in the program. This includes a ten-hour value project each year.
Recently, in my study of meditation practices, I came across the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. The Exercises, composed 1522-1524 AD, were originally meant to be practiced as a 30-day retreat of silence and solitude. Jesus Christ is the focus of the Exercises, and they are meant to bring the practitioner closer to Christ, to help her/him become a better disciple.
This seems like a perfect project to develop my value of Faith. I have decided to practice these Exercises in the month of December 2015. Since I can't disappear for the month, I will be following an adapted system that can be completed in 15 to 30 minutes each day. I am following the system outlined in Dr. Pam Blackwell's book, Christ-Centered Meditation: Handbook for Spiritual Practice.
Each day starts with a question, followed by a Bible scripture reference, and more specific questions to ponder. Dr. Blackwell gives the following five suggestions for each day's contemplation:
Read and study each lesson in order. Commit to making time for this each day.
Spend 15 minutes on each day's activities.
Keep a log, writing at least one page each day.
Don't give up if you miss a day. Just pick it up again the next day.
Try to do this work at the same time each day. (For me, that's 6:00 a.m., when my mind is relaxed but alert.)
My teenagers have committed to also go through these Exercises in December. I am hopeful that we will all draw closer to our Savior. I expect that doing so during the month of Christmas and looking forward to the new year, we will experience support and an enhanced experience through the many messages of Christ we receive at this season.
My reason for posting this on our blog is that I hope a lot of people will join us in these contemplative exercises next month. I will post a week's worth of exercises each Sunday. I invite you to come back to this blog and write in the comments any experiences or insights that you would like to share as you practice this Contemplation yourself. We have five days left in the month of November. Take tomorrow to be grateful and to voice your gratitude and your love for others. Then, commit to joining us in these spiritual exercises by commenting on this post. And spread the word! You don't have to be LDS or Catholic or even identify with a religion to practice these exercises. You simply need the desire to invite the love of God into and through your life.
P.S. Kent wanted more context. Here is the first assignment and Day One of the Exercises:
Before or on Day One: Write in your journal what you think of Christ. Be sure to date the entry.
Day One
Question: How can I follow in His steps?
Read: 1 Peter 2: 9, 21
Ponder: How can I follow in Jesus' steps today? In all my decisions, I will ask, "What would Christ do?" I will think of myself as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Does your family struggle with bedtime? That is one battle that doesn't exist in ours. Bedtime is actually funtime around here--at least for us parents.
Our standing rule has been that Kent and I are done with kids at 9 p.m. We encouraged them to go to bed at that time, but ultimately, they are in charge of giving themselves enough sleep. Last year, I had two high-schoolers who would drag themselves home in the afternoon and nap for a couple hours because they were too exhausted to do anything else. They would perk up around dinnertime, do some homework, and then--too well-rested from their naps--stay up too late with friends either in person or virtually. In line with our Benign Neglect parenting style (Kent coined that term--I prefer to call it Love and Logic), we figured that one day they would learn the benefits of getting more than five hours of sleep at night.
Eventually, we realized our mistake: teenagers' brains do not work correctly. Especially brains that are sleep deprived. So I came up with a simple, elegant solution.
I was already driving the three younger children to their charter school each morning. The charter's elementary and secondary campuses are less than a five-minute drive from our house, so no busing is provided. But it's a 30 to 40-minute walk, which is just far enough that a ride is almost necessary. #s 3 and 4 have both tested my driving mercy in the past, and they know I don't have any. They know it's preferable to be in the car when I leave, or they will be left behind to get a nice morning walk. It's a notably effective consequence in our Utah winter months.
Here's a big parenting tip: once your child is too big to sit on your lap, you cannot control her actions. However, you have some control over location and circumstances, and complete control over your own actions/responses. My elegant solution to help #s 1 and 2 choose to get enough sleep was that if they were in bed (location) with the lights off (circumstance) by 9:30 p.m. (circumstance), then I would drive them to school at 7:30. If they stayed up too late, they were welcome to catch the 7:00 a.m. bus, which meant heading out the door by 6:54 a.m. (They had the timing down!) I call this solution elegant because it cost me only a few extra minutes of driving in the morning, which time I enjoyed talking with my teens, and it gave them an extra 45 minutes of sleep in the morning, not to mention probably 2 1/2 hours more sleep before midnight. It worked! Moods were improved, I enjoyed spending time with my conscious children in the afternoon--and #s 3 through 5 imposed the same rule on themselves!
Fast forward to this year. #1, now a senior in high school, gets a ride each day with friends. She must find time to sleep during work release, because she is still quite cheerful and productive every day. (Maybe she's grown into her adult brain early!!!) #2's friend ride is less consistent, so she works hard each evening to gauge whether her friend is coming in the morning, or whether she should fetch her pajamas around 9:15. This is where the fun comes in!
With interesting conversation--and good shows on Netflix--Kent and I have been enjoying our 9:00-done-with-kids time. Often, we miss the 9:30 check and don't make it down until 10ish to investigate the situation downstairs. Once in awhile, though, we're on time. We keep it random enough that its pretty unpredictable. I love hearing "She's coming!" as the children recognize my footfalls on the stairs and quickly turn off the computer screen in the family room to make a run for their beds.
Last night, I was tired by 8:30, so I watched my smartphone for the moment 9:30 blinked on the screen. As I stood to head down for the nightly check, I remembered that #2 had asked if there was room in the van for two of her friends who also needed a ride to school. Yes! An increased measure of desperation for a ride meant she would surely be in bed on time. Suddenly, I was not so tired. I gleefully went clomping down the stairs, bellowing, "Here I come!" I was pretty sure I heard footsteps running across the kitchen's tile floor, but I was being a little too loud with my put-the-fear-of-Mom-into-them "Bwah ha ha!" that I couldn't be sure. (Retelling this story to #1 who has no mom-fear any longer, I learned that #3 had indeed been lounging in the family room, glued to her iPod when she heard--through her earphones!--me coming. She must have been speedy in her flight, because I never saw sight of her.)
Earlier that evening: #4 playing cards,
Curious George-style (shoutout to Leilani!)
My first stop was the bedroom of #s 2 and 4. Their light was on. (Strike one.) #4 was standing on top of her bed (strike two) with a look of terror on her face (icing on the cake). #2 was nowhere to be seen (strike three). I don't play ball, so it only takes one strike for consequences to be enacted.
Me: "This is great! I don't have to drive either of you to school in the morning!"
#2 from behind the adjacent bathroom's closed door: "No Mom, wait! I'm ready for bed! I'm just finishing flossing."
Me: "I'm glad you're taking care of your teeth. I'm also glad you can get some exercise tomorrow."
(She might enjoy the brisk walk.)
#2: "Maw-um!"
Me, flicking off their light as #4 dropped to the bed and cocooned herself in the covers: "Goodnight! Love you guys."
I turned for the three strides across the hall to the bedroom of #s 3 and 5. Their door was shut, and no light emanated beneath it. I opened the door a crack to...silence.
Me, mellow: "Goodnight you guys."
I began to shut the door. Then, just for kicks, I opened it quickly and flipped on the light. Simultaneously, I heard a teenage body drop onto the top bunk. With the lights on, I saw my 13-yr-old lying face down on top of her covers, her head at the foot of the bed, and the boots that were still on her feet lying on her pillow. (In the retelling, I learned that she had sneaked into her room when I was checking on her sisters. She had hit the lights and was standing in the dark next to her bed when I came to their door. When I opened it on a whim, she had launched herself over the side of the bed and belly flopped. I wish I had seen it! But hearing it was still pretty great.)
#5 was wrapped in his bedding, smiling sweetly at me. He's the one child who actually wanted some sleep, so I turned off the light to let him get some. But then, the pull of the teenagers is too great. I fake shut the door again, and then flicked the light back on. #3 dropped from an almost-up-dog pose to a dang-it-you-caught-me pose. (The first one is a yoga pose, which you can google. The second is a child's pose; not the yoga kind, the parenting kid, which you just have to experience.) Still, she was in bed with the lights off. I reminded her that lights out included screen lights, and she needed to put her iPod away and perhaps remove her earbuds to avoid strangulation in her sleep. Then we shared a knowing smile, and I wished them both a good night's sleep, turned off the light, and shut the door (for realsies).
I turned to find the bathroom now dark and empty, and #2's bedroom door closed and dark at the threshold. As she heard me shut her siblings' door, she called to me.
#2: Mom, I'm in bed and it's 9:30.
Here's another good parenting tip: choose your battles wisely. I knew I had already won this one, so I decided to engage. I opened their bedroom door to find both girls under their covers with the lights out.
Me: Actually, it's 9:32. At 9:30, you weren't even in your room.
#4: But I was in bed at 9:30.
Me, turning on the lights: No, you were on your bed at 9:30--with your lights on.
#4 started getting teary eyed. We're only one term into school, and she's had to bum a ride from friends a few times already, which usually means she misses breakfast. I'm big on breakfast, so my heart went out to her, though I wasn't ready to admit that yet.
#2: But I promised my friends a ride to school tomorrow!
Me: That's great! I'm happy to drive them. You already told them I'm picking them up, right?
#2, sitting up dramatically to stare me down (teenagers are so predictable!): Mom!
Me: What?
#2: I need a ride to school.
Me, after taking in #4's sad face: You know, [#4] is softening my heart a little with her tears. Maybe if you were crying, I would feel like driving you tomorrow.
#2, with a smile indicating she had a solution: Okay. Do you have something I can burn myself with?
Me: You're the one with all the c...
#2, interrupting with her epiphany: I have candles!
#2 was obsessed with scented candles last year. She probably has 20 candles on her shelf. She likes to come home and light one each day while she reads. Her room always smells good. She usually smells good, too. As she leaned forward to spring out of bed and fetch a pain-inflicting candle, #4 sat up and offered assistance.
#4: I can pinch your nipple.
(!!! Where do my kids come up with these ideas? !!!)
#2, sitting back down, started to laugh nervously: O...kay. Hee hee.
#4 turned to her sister and stretched out her hand. #2 was rethinking now. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and laughed some more, trying to build courage while also appreciating the situation. I just stood in the doorway, smiling, and also appreciating the situation.
#2 pushed out her chest: Okay, I'm ready. Hee hee...ha! Okay, go ahead.
#4's fingers clamped on, tweaked, and let go.
#2, crossing her arms over her chest and doubling over: Ha ha-ow...ow! Ha ha!
She was now rocking and holding herself and sort of howl-laughing while she smiled and tried to cry.
Me: That's not crying. That's laughing.
#4 with a blank face stated simply: I can do it again.
She reached her hand toward her sister.
#2, still trying to cry: No! Wait...okay...no!
Deciding this had been funny enough, but not wanting it to get any weirder, I turned off the light: Okay, I'll give you both a ride tomorrow. Goonight! Love you guys.
Then I headed up the stairs with a great story for Kent. I'm telling you, kids' bedtimes can be both fun and entertaining!
Here is our opening song for our evening devotional two nights ago.
Maybe this is why our children aren't very sleepy at bedtime?
(You gotta' check out the moves at the 30-second mark.)
