Winning - Part 1

When #5 was born, I felt certain that our family was complete. And for 15 years it was. Adding sons-in-law has been a wonderful and different type of expansion, but I didn't expect to be raising any other young adults. It turns out that God had different thoughts about this.

senior, sophomore, senior

When Gwen (#4) was a junior in high school, she introduced me to some new friends she'd met at school, Alessandro and Nick. Their friend groups overlapped some, and we saw the two of them with increasing regularity that spring. Around the end of junior year, Ale learned that his family would be moving out of state. Gwen was devastated, and she reported that he was quite depressed about the change too. Ale had done considerable personal work on himself that year, and he wanted to keep his Utah residency, finish high school in Provo, and then attend UVU. I remember talking with Gwen about this new friend moving and feeling surprised at how sad she was because they hadn't known each other long. But I was even more surprised when the Spirit put a very clear thought in my mind: "Invite Ale to live with you." I talked it over with Kent. Neither of us knew Ale all that well, but Kent was willing to follow this direction I'd received from God. Gwen remembers coming up with this same solution, but I suggested it to her before she asked me. And so Alessandro came into our household in July 2021.

The first few months had some really fun and enjoyable moments, but overall they were pretty rough for all of us. I was excited to parent Ale the way I'd parented my other kids. We would do weekly reviews and I'd coach him in academic success, budgeting, goal setting, and anything he wanted to talk about. He seemed willing to try my ways, but a lot of resistance showed up too. Change is hard, and I was asking for a lot of change.

In November, Ale expressed this resistance by saying he didn't want my parenting. He was fine thinking of me as a mentor, but not a mom. That came as a punch in the gut. I'd put some things on hold to step up my mom game for their last school year, and I didn't know any other way of raising kids. To me, the processes of mentoring teens and raising my kids to be successful young adults looked the same, and I was working with Ale the way I worked with the rest of them. Yet he didn't want to be considered part of the family.

The adjustment was tricky for Gwen, too. Until Ale could trust me and Kent, she was the go-between, talking to him and then telling us what how he was doing. Their own friendship was strained as she figured out relationships with her other friends who still wanted her time, which was now mostly given over to Ale.

Kent quickly came to connect with and love Alessandro, but for me it took half a year. When he left to spend the Christmas holidays with his sister, I missed him. And I felt true motherly love for him when he returned. Ale felt that same shift, and the new year marked a change in our relationship. I can't speak for him, but I sensed that he was finally comfortable being part of our household, and no longer considered himself just a boarder.

Looking back at that time two years ago, I think of it as both messy and wonderful. Senior year is already a stressful time, and adding a new family dynamic took intentional work and love. But that work paid off, and eventually we came to consider Ale to be a bonus kid. He doesn't call me "Mom", and there is still a degree of separation, but in some ways we are closer than I am with my other children. Alessandro is a deep thinker, questioner, and feeler. He expresses himself well and when he chooses to share something with me, I trust that it's the truth. Ale is extremely self-motivated, loves learning, and will try all sorts of projects to see how they might stretch and teach him. As he's put good practices in place and honed in on his personal values and morals, he's developed the skill of being a mentor to his peers. More on that in "Winning Part 2".

In the months leading up to Gwen's senior year, when she made some decisions that made me sad for her, I was thrown for a loop. Among other things, her choice to stop attending church or to even identify as Christian was a big one--in my mind. In my 23 years of mothering, I'd thought the gospel and our faith was the greatest thing I could give my children. In prayer, when I asked Heavenly Father how I could still teach Gwen while also respecting her agency, the simple answer came with power into my mind and heart: "Just love her better."

When I realized that Gwen's choices weren't threatening to God, and that she was still Their same beloved daughter, I felt the burden of my own concerns lifted. Kent similarly felt to give more attention to his relationship with Gwen, and we both got better at loving her well. But I still needed to learn that God's way are not our ways.

Alessandro came into our lives around this same time that we were strengthening our relationships with our daughter. As he worked on himself, Ale shared his epiphanies with Gwen and became a coach for her, too. This was another complicated process, partly because I still had much I wanted to teach in her last year with us, and I felt like he was crowding me out. On the other side of it, though, I can seen that Ale had a very positive influence on Gwen. He and his friends liked our nightly family devotionals, and so Gwen started participating in family things more willingly. He showed her that we could stand up to questions about the gospel and our faith, and still be loving and respectful of his beliefs and her disinterest. And Ale came with a crew of new friends who were supportive and positive influences for our daughter.

Senior year was also a time for Gwen to explore what she wanted to become. When she and Ale got some parent-release classes, she pulled him along into our version of home school. She put good effort into our combined study of Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans. Gwen filled an internship at A Child's Hope and then at a local flower shop. When she expressed a desire to try her hand at tattooing, Ale bought her a gun and let her practice on him. She explored her interests and healthy habits, worked through some things with a therapist, and by the end of senior year, with Ale's help, she had built a considerable clientele with her tattooing. 

The best part about that unexpected senior year was the acceptance and love that grew in our home. Ale encouraged Gwen to talk to us. I know she didn't open up about everything, but Kent and I have been surprised at how bringing Ale into our home deepened our relationship with Gwen. Heber, too, finally gained a brother who would share clothes, body building techniques, and life advice. Overall, we are all more vulnerable with each other, respectful of each other, and loving. 

As it turns out, God knew what He was doing when He asked us to add Alessandro to our family.

Ale is not a morning person, so we never saw him

at Sunday brunch, but here's a favorite moment.