The 70% Cure for the Hiccups

When I was in college, there was a guy in my apartment complex who collected cures for the hiccups.  He had undergone brain surgery a few years earlier, and when he awoke from the anesthesia, he had a semi-permanent case of the hiccups.  They would come and go several times per day.  It became a topic of conversation for him, so he decided to collect antidotes and write a book.  I don't know if he ever wrote that book, but it did get me thinking seriously about a cure.  Not seriously enough that I would go into medicine, but I would like to say that my research can now benefit mankind.

Somewhere along the way, I heard that hiccups are caused by the diaphragm getting off its regular pattern.  I figured the cure needed to act as a reset for the diaphragm.  So I came up with a cure that combined my technique for holding my breath in the pool--I never was coordinated enough to take a breath while still propelling my arms, so I figured out how to hold my breath all the way across the pool--and pretending to be a balloon with a slow leak.  Before you get too excited, I will say that this cure is effective only about 70% of the time.  Repeating the process can increase its effectiveness, but I have had stubborn cases of the hiccups once or twice that simply had to be waited out.

Still, now that I've tested this remedy on first graders, I think it is time to share it with the world!

Step 1:  Take three very deep breaths, filling your lungs and belly.
Step 2:  On the third deep breath, hold your breath.
Step 3:  Keep holding your breath!  You should feel like your lungs are going to explode.
Step 4:  When your face is turning red, your eyes are bugging out, and you fear drowning...oh wait, that's right, we're hiccupping, not swimming...
Step 5:  ...open your mouth ever so slightly and let the high-pressure air out as slowly as possible, as if you are one of the front two tires on my van.  (Have I mentioned that I've had two flat tires in the last four months?  No?  Well here are some photos so you can feel bad for us.)

On our way to see the Real soccer game. The kids had to substitute a game of Battleship for soccer that night.

This was at about the point that we realized our spare, which we've never before used in nine years of owning this van, was also flat.





At least it was nice weather for getting a tan on the side of the freeway. #5 was lucky to have caught a ride to the game with some friends.

Distraction can enhance the effectiveness of the hiccups cure too!

Let me know if this process works to eradicate your hiccups, or feel free to pass along your own cure.

Beware the Affections and Confections of Mrs. White!

One of my favorite days of the week is Monday, because I get to volunteer in the classrooms of my three youngest children.  I like getting to know the students and faculty, and have found over the years that as I spend time with my kids' classmates, they students grow into young adults who can talk easily with me, too.

Every once in a while, I feel like I do something truly influential for a student.  For example, as I was reading with individual students from #5's class a couple months ago, one little Latina pointed out her completed wish list assignment that was displayed in the hallway a midst all the other wish lists on the wall.  I noticed that she wished she could someday be a teacher, and then she turned to me and added, "Yeah, but I can never be that."  I returned a perplexed look and said, "Why not?  You can be anything you want to be."  "I can?"  "Of course!  If you'll work hard and be a good student, you can be a teacher or anything else."  Her eyes absolutely lit up and she grinned from ear-to-ear!

I don't know if that moment of awakening will stick with her through 18 more years, but last week I did change a child's entire life, I think.  I was quizzing more first graders on their phonograms, and another little girl was having a fit of hiccups.  It was funny to both of us as she tried to make phonemic sounds around the staccato, guttural breaths.  So we took a break and I showed her how to eliminate the hiccups.  Then we resumed for another four or five minutes.  When she had finished the list, I asked, "Where did your hiccups go?"  She smiled in acknowledgement that they were gone, at which I said, "Now, if your mom or dad asks what you learned at school today, you don't have to say that you learned a new boring reading word or something.  You can tell them you know the cure for the hiccups!"  One more life changed forever.

You may be asking yourself, "So, what's with the title of this post?"  That is I haven't yet revealed to you my influence over #3's fifth-grade class.

My volunteer time with the fifth grade is spent reading a novel out loud while the students follow along in their own copies.  This is not a thankless job.  In fact, my favorite part of every Monday is when I stop reading, close the book, and tell the students that's all for today.  This causes them to all moan in unison and say, "Just a few more pages!" to which I respond that I wish I could, but I will see them next week.  I usually arrive while they are wrapping up their lunch, and it's super fun to have them file in, see me, and rush to get their books opened and explain to me any parts of the story I might have missed if their teacher read more of the book between Mondays.

Our current novel is The Candy Shop War by Brandon Mull.  I can always tell a favorite of the kids' because they complain more insistently when we close the book for the day.  This book has drawn the most complaints so far this year!  I highly recommend it for tweens.

If you're not familiar with the story, there is a character named Mrs. White who owns The Sweet Tooth Ice Cream and Candy Shoppe...along with ulterior motives.  While her candy that makes children weightless or literally electrifying is fun at first, the children soon find they are in a war of magicians who are seeking a powerful treasure.  Mrs. White's most famous--because it is also the most addictive--confection is her white fudge.  It dulls the mind and distracts the senses of all who eat it (the adults of the town) while also making them crave more of it constantly.

Well, this book set things up too perfectly for me!  With the teacher's permission, and some serendipity through my friend, Pam, who had too much fudge on her hands this weekend, I showed up to class yesterday with a candy box  filled with fudge, which I had sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I offered it to the students, "For those who dare to eat it."  I explained that it was mostly chocolate fudge so they wouldn't be too dumbed down.  Of course everyone cheered to be receiving come curriculum-related candy in school.  (The school's wellness policy doesn't usually allow sweet treats.)  Of course, my caveat was ignored, and everyone took a piece, though I did notice one girl who gingerly placed her fudge at the top of her desk to wait for her classmates to test it first.

Halfway through the reading, I came to a sentence where one of the characters was warning another child to beware of Mrs. White and her dangerous candy.  At that moment, a girl in the front row dropped her book to her desk and snapped her head toward me, gawking with wide eyes and open mouth.  Then she turned to the boy next to her and pointed at my daughter across the room, whispering, "She is [#3's] mom!"  She had just figured out that I am Mrs. White!  That whispered moment of recognition for what I had just perpetrated was great!

After my 30 minutes were up, and the children blessed my ears with their complaints and whines for more reading, I stood up to leave.  "Did you like the fudge?" I asked.  "Yes!"  Their teacher chimed in, "I bet you'll all be really mellow for the rest of the day, right?"  As I left, a boy in the back row said, "That fudge was so good!  Can we have more?"  "I'm glad you liked it," I answered.  And then I added, smiling wickedly and mischievously rubbing my palms together, "It's addictive, isn't it?"  Mwa ha ha!

From the Pens of Babes

It's not just the mouth of babes that says funny things.  Once these kids get writing, they are quite entertaining.  (BTW, click on the pictures to enlarge them if you want to see the details.)

Last night, #4 came across a Valentine booklet that her classmates made last year in second grade.  Each child wrote a page for all the other classmates, and the teacher bound them into booklets.  Just for kicks, here are some of our favorite messages of love to our sweet #4.  I am leaving the second-grade spelling and grammar as is, because it's more fun that way!

Dear [#4], want to have another play date sometime.  Yes____  no____  Love, Madeline
     You gotta' love the classic Yes and No waiting for a checkmark.

Dear [#4], I like you in my class.  You are the best.  You have a great math folder and math teacher.  I will be out of school.  So I will be out of school.  You go to a great church.  You live in a great house.  Love, Eduard.
     For the record, Eduard has the best handwriting in the book.

Dear [#4], I love your voise, hair, eys, and lips.  From, todd.
     This one makes #4 giggle every time we read it!

Dear [#4], I love your hair.  I'm very glad that you are in my class.  from, Amanda
     Second graders must not be very picky about hair, because #4 only brushed it 50% of the time last year, yet everyone seems to love it.  In Kindergarten, Eduard used to love #4's long braid, so she asked me to braid it frequently that year just to make him happy.

Dear. [#4] you look good.  from. Jacob
     #4 didn't giggle at this one until I started reading it with great emphasis on "goo--ood"!

Dear [#4], I like you because you have the same initials as George Washington.  Sincerely, Autumn #13
     There is much I love about this note!  Besides the obvious, the compliment is funnier to me because Autumn #13's dad is English; that she would tie her favorite thing about #4 to George Washington who beat the Redcoats just strikes me as funny.  And the fact that she identifies herself as #13, her line-up number, cracks me up.  (Or maybe she watched a lot of House.)

Dear [#4].  I like your hair.  You are nice.  You are cute.  Love, Grace
     I guess hair is a really important feature to eight-year-olds.

Dear [#4] I think you are the nicest kid in the class.  I like how you collect a lot of stuff.  love, Maddie
     Well I don't like how she collects a lot of stuff!  Though I am glad for the sake of the reappearance of this Valentine booklet that she kept reams of homework and other papers from last school year.

Dear [#4], you are nice  love, Cam
     Don't worry, we razzed her about the underline of "love" from Cam.  More giggles!

Dear [#4], I like that your after me in line.  from, Brandon
     Does this kid have the beginning of a superiority complex?

Dear [#4]  I love your hair and I also like how you dress.  From Whitney  to [#4]
     Again with the hair.  Even funnier is the fact that #4's school enforces a uniform policy, so all the kids dress the same!  At least Whitney likes the uniform.

Dear, [#4]  I like you long hair  From, cole
     That makes five!

Dear [#4]  I like your last name.  thank you for being a good freind and pal love, lucy
     I like her last name too.  It shares an initial with George Washington.

Dear [#4] I like you I like your Belt It cut.  Love Michelle
     More support for the uniform policy.  These kids are brainwashed!

And my favorite...

Dear [#4]  I was just kiding About your bur p's their tromendis they go BuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurP
     (Not #4's favorite compliment.)

#4's classmates aren't the only prodigious authors on the topic of love.  #5 enjoys practicing his relatively new writing skills as well.  Recently, I found this red-dry-erase-marker message scrawled on my bathroom mirror:

In case you can't decipher it, here's what it says:

 Mom and dad

               Mom + Dad
          ♥           ♥                                    kis on the [sketch of lips] evry day                 
          ♥       eechther
          ♥
          ♥        bi
                 [#5]   ♥
                               812-07-P5

At least the kid is secure in his parents' love for each other, even if he is tending toward graffiti.  It makes me a little nervous that he tried to write our phone number at the end.  What is that for?  "For a gross time watching my parents kiss, call 812-07P5"?  That's so junior high!

Sorry for all the lovey dovey stuff in this post.  I'll end with #5's recent composition.

After a year of listening to him beg for piano lessons, I started teaching him at the beginning of this school year.  Unlike my other children, whose enthusiasm faded after two months and devolved into the normal moaning and groaning of piano practicing, #5 can't get enough of the piano.  Every Monday, he rushes through the door and asks if we can please start his lesson NOW!  We recently watched a six-year-old piano genius on Ellen, and I mentioned that the boy reminds me of Mozart, who started composing at about that age.  After I explained to #5 what composing is, he made a beeline to the piano and began putting together his master works.  I told him he could earn a piano star (ten stars equals a prize) if he wrote a song.  At his next lesson, here is what was written in his notebook:

In case you can't see the double bar lines at the end of his lines of letters, those indicate the seven songs he composed, beginning with his rendition of "Pop! Goes the Weasel".  He had counted his existing three stars, and filled in enough compositions to get a prize.  I told him the songs generally needed to be longer, so he quickly added some repeat signs and played through them all for me.

I dutifully presented Little Mr. Loophole, who takes after his sister, with seven stars.  I then gave him some manuscript paper and a quick lesson in writing notes, clef signs, and time signatures.  I don't want to squelch his interest in composing, but he's going to have to show me the real thing next time he wants a plethora of stickers in his notebook.  

The bonus to his seven stars, which he was quick to ask about, is that he also earned three more stars for passing off songs during his lesson, which means he now holds the record--ten--of all my students for the greatest number of stars earned in one lesson...and he hasn't let us forget about it!  He challenges his sisters so frequently to break his record that I wouldn't be surprised if we see the gauntlet thrown down on their bathroom mirror in the near future!

Parenthood is Messy

My cousin-in-law posted this on her Facebook page today:

"Um, pleased to announce Owen [age 2], Grant [age 2 mo.s], and I performed a circus act at the grocery store today! With toy balls flying left and right down isles, while waving and yelling hi & chatting with every person we saw - courtesy of Owen, I then proceeded to knock over an entire Thanksgiving display with the cart and boxes went flying everywhere. We then somehow spilled the bag of grapes at checkout stepping on half of them while paying. Ran into a cement post on our way out... And realized we got charged for something we never got, all to make a second trip back into the store... Getting home to realize we really did get that thing I thought we never got. Hm. Some days I wonder...... ;)"

In the comments, I officially welcomed her from the stage of being a cute mom to being the frenzied, publicly humiliated mom that most experienced mothers become sooner or later.  If I didn't reach that point earlier, I certainly reached it when #4 was an infant.  Halfway through my shopping list, and with a very full cart, #4 began wailing in Wal-Mart.  She wouldn't calm down for anything, so I went to the ladies' changing rooms to nurse her.  There I encountered an attendant who told me the changing rooms weren't for nursing mothers.  The baby's crying underscored the tears I could feel coming, which softened the attendant's heart and she finally offered me a room at the inn, I mean stall...I mean a stall in the store.  When I lifted the babe out of her carrier, we all discovered that she had blown out her diaper with the signature mustard yellow squishiness of newborns.  It was up to her neck!  I was so desperate to get her calmed down that I just wrapped the messy baby in her blanket, disappeared into the changing room, and nursed her anyway.  When she was calm, I wiped her clean as best I could and headed home.  The silver lining is that I at least didn't have #s 1 through 3 also with me.  That would have put me over the edge!

Do you have any frantic or funny stories with your young ones in public?  Share them!

A Crisis of My Political Faith?

All my adult life I have considered myself socially conservative and labeled myself a Republican.  Listening to conservative pundits, I occasionally would disagree with their spin.  I did become disappointed with the ineffectiveness of national Republican administrations and congresses, but I've read the platform of the Utah Republican Party several times and have taken issue with no part of it.

I'm starting to think, though, that the labels I happily accepted do not mean what I think they mean.

This week, I completed an online survey at YourMorals.org.  The surveys they offer are conducted by social psychologists at three universities.  Their research looks at why people disagree about what is right, and how that translates into social and political values.  I took the Moral Foundations Questionnaire, which gave a broad overview of my morals.  The results surprised me.

At the end of the survey, the site gave a bar graph showing my results ranked against the average results of self-described liberals and conservatives.  In only two out of nine rankings did I come close to the conservative morals.  Two of the bar graphs put my values in line with Libertarians.  The other five bars were either in between conservative and liberal results, or well beneath both.  

 

 

These results piqued my curiosity, and I wondered if perhaps a political party other than the big two would reflect my political values more.  So I read up on Libertarians, since my Liberty and Property scores seemed to be in line with them.  I like some of their ideals, but I don't believe their ideals can be realistically applied to society.  I'm not Libertarian.  The Green Party doesn't fit me well either.  (Although, I am giving ear to a friend of mine who says that greed too easily overwhelms our stewardship for the environment and animals.  Can I give up my desire for Utah to develop its energy resources in favor of protecting species?  That remains to be seen.)

So where do I fit?  I think maybe I don't.  Kent gave me a link to an interesting TED talk by Jonathan Haidt, who is one of the researchers behind the Moral Foundations survey: "The moral roots of liberal and conservatives."  Though he is a self-proclaimed liberal, Haidt wraps up his short lecture by insisting that both sides of the political spectrum need to listen to each other.  Liberals consider themselves open-minded and diverse, yet if they are closed to conservative viewpoints, their open-mindedness goes out the window.  I agree that both sides need to be present in our society, but more importantly, they need to make compromises politically if we are ever going to make lasting progress.

I guess that means I'm more of a moderate independent.

So will I renege my Republican registration?  Not in Utah; especially not here in Utah County.  In this state, the only way to have a voice with my vote is to work through the Republican primary process, since it will almost always be a Republican who wins.  At each November vote, I can still vote for whatever candidate I like (and it hasn't always been the Republican), but at least I might get a good candidate through the primary elections.

I haven't voted yet, because I'm undecided on our local school board candidates.  However, for our national leader, I will be voting for Mitt Romney.  Even if Mitt weren't the candidate, I would almost certainly still vote against Barack Obama.  In a nutshell, here's why.

My vote for Romney:

Major reason:  I liked Mitt Romney during the primaries leading up to the 2008 election.  It's not because he shares my religious persuasion, but because I respect him as a businessman.  I have wanted a businessman (or woman) in the White House for many years.  I think a businessperson will have an understanding of and solutions for our economy that lawyers and politicians just won't grasp or believe.  Romney's track record in turning around corporations and giving the U.S. a profitable Winter Olympics leads me to believe that he can do a better job for our economy than most anyone else who has been presented as a presidential option.  I expect he'll make budget cuts that will hurt, but that will also make Americans take more responsibility for their own decisions.  Yes, I would even give up the EITC or the Child Tax Credit if that would help balance our budget.  I also believe he has the right business and leadership experience to negotiate trade relations with China and other countries that we must work with.

Minor reason:  I like the people Mitt Romney surrounds himself with.  I like Paul Ryan, and I like that Mitt's family members are the ones reaching out to his base.

My vote against Obama:

Major reason:  I don't believe he represents Americans well or has America's best interests at heart.  I don't generally like how he handles international affairs.  I don't like his extravagant parties and vacations in the midst of our tanking economy.  I don't like his position on abortion.  (He and Michelle Obama are more left on that issue than even many liberals).  He has said things that I agree with, and I'm trying to give Obamacare the benefit of the doubt, but overall I don't think he represents the majority of Americans, including many who voted for him as a symbol of a new American era in 2008 based on his race and his "Hope and Change" campaign.  

Minor reason:  I don't trust the people President Obama surrounds himself with.  His close ties with Planned Parenthood and Acorn make me nervous.  Van Jones and Reverend Wright are also not good people to have listened to.  His extensive use of teleprompters has me wondering how much of what he says comes from his own brain.

Ahhh...my newly self-labeled Independent mind feels better already.  Now that all that political stuff is off my chest, I can go vote on Tuesday and take my blog back to happier posts about family events, funny kids, and the upcoming holidays.

Face(book)ing My Past

It's been almost three months since I finally joined Facebook.  Yeah, go ahead and label me a Laggard.  So what if it took me until 2010 to get a cell phone?  And I was perfectly happy waiting two more years for a smartphone.  (I knew once I got one, I wouldn't be able to live without it, and I was right.)

Once I gave in to carrying a tiny computer with me all day, I figured why resist Facebook?  Admittedly, I was a little hesitant to join the social networking site.  Years ago, my Early Adopter friend, Charlotte, told me Facebook opened the door to hundreds of friend invitations from people from her high school years that she didn't have energy for anymore.  That sounded like something I didn't need in my own life.

Maybe I was wrong.

I started in August by sending friend requests to neighbors and current friends and acquaintances.  After a few days, I included extended family members that popped up as recommendations.  Here and there I added friends from early in my married years and even a couple from college.

Monday night at dinner I was telling my kids that most families didn't have home computers when I was their age.  (I sound so old to myself!)  Kent refuted that idea, and I had to confess that one of my third-grade friends had a Commodore 64, and we all thought that was really cool.

(FYI, the Commodore 64 is now memorialized in a Smithsonian Museum exhibit that opened this year.  Now I know that I'm old!)

That computer got me thinking about my childhood friends.  What are they up to now?  Did we follow similar paths in adulthood?  Some of the friends I've connected with on Facebook have chosen to leave the Church or pursue vastly different paths from where we both were during our in-person friendship.  Would friends of my childhood with similar upbringing have done the same?  The scientist in me was curious.

Today, I finally took the plunge and reached out to my Commodore 64 friend of the past whom I haven't seen in 20 years when I moved from Ogden.  As I scrolled through her Facebook friends, I saw many names and even some faces that I recognize from childhood.  If she accepts my friend request, will other friends from my past reach out to me?  I hope so.

I know I can't maintain more than a few deep relationships in my life, but what I'm learning to love about Facebook is that no one expects that level of friendship in the virtual world.  So is it even worth reconnecting with people that I probably still won't keep up with?  Yes.

It was perhaps more than coincidence that I found my friend's page today.  I've spent the last two days thinking and praying about my role for my family.  I've been a full-time mom for 14 years, but this summer as my youngest prepared for first grade, I decided to take on an extra job or two (okay, three).  Then, when #1 received her patriarchal blessing on Sunday, I had an impression that I needed to focus on being involved in my children's lives as they enter the teenage years, and I had to take a hard look at my decision to be a second bread winner.  I felt that I needed to trust our household income to God, and put myself back in place as protector of the hearth.  These past few months while I've been working, my house has suffered, my children have been on their own for schoolwork, my callings seem too stressful, and I've felt on the edge of panic attacks more than once.  I told Kent last night that even though I feel competent to bring in some income, I don't think it's right for me to be adding his role to my own.  So I am letting go of much of the work I've been doing to focus again on being a mom and a homemaker.  I'll still do a bit of work with the foundation, and be a source for Solavei phone service, but I'm not going to actively make those things a job anymore.  My kids are my job.

Just look at these crazy people.  They need all the help I can give!

I've still felt a little unsettled about this decision, mostly because it requires me to stop worrying about income  and put my trust in God to help Kent provide for the family.  It is not my burden, though, and I need to stop trying to claim it.  My role is to run the household on whatever income God sees fit to bless us with.

When I looked up my long-lost friend on Facebook today, I found many posts about the important role of mothers.  Her posts were a reassurance to me that this is the right decision.  Kent feels good about it, and I'm looking forward to the possibility of catching up my blog, redecorating my house like crazy (just wait 'til you see what's now only in my head!), practicing the piano again, and maybe even writing a novel.  There is so much good work to do besides the work for money.  I kind of feel bad for Kent not getting to be the stay-at-home parent.

Thank you Facebook, and prayer, for reconnecting me to what matters: family and relationships.

Happy to Call Happy Valley My Home

Provo's Mayor Curtis linked to an article about Provo on his own blog, and I am here to echo his thoughts.  Our family moved to Provo nine years and 13 days ago.  We've loved it here.  It's a good city and we have wonderful neighbors and friends here.

                              

Kent and I have recently noticed how delightful Provo's downtown is becoming.  I'll give a shout-out here to our dads who have each been influential in making this a great place to live.  Kent's dad, Steve White, was one of the Utah County Commissioners for several years, and played a big part in getting the County Convention Center, which just opened this summer.  My dad, Paul Glauser, is the director of Provo City's Redevelopment Agency, and has done a lot to revitalize the city's older neighbors and downtown.  Just a few weekends ago, Kent and I enjoyed a rooftop concert (following a tip from my dad), and it was great to see so many people out dining and walking the streets of our beautiful city.  My favorite part was the lack of drunk college students spilling their beer on me in the press to the stage.  It was just good ol' fun with good music.  I would even take my kids to these concerts.

It's nice to see someone else bragging about my kids' hometown, too.  Check out the article by Stephen C. Fehr who writes for The Pew Center and is former editor of the Washington Post.